Thoughts
by silencingthelambs
Summary: Soubi has a cigarette and ruminates on Ritsuka.


Hihi and thanks for clicking. Not much to say about this one, other than the fact that I don't own Loveless and that I am in no way making a profit from this.

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He inhales deeply and the cigarette's smoke goes down into his lungs like fire. He holds it there, holds it so long his vision goes hazy. Into the night's cool air he exhales again, finally, and the smoke twists and whorls away into the cloudy sky. He watches it go, envying it its freedom.

Behind him, the door to his apartment is propped open slightly. He can hear someone moving around inside, but he doesn't turn. He takes another drag on his cigarette, grimacing at the acrid taste of the smoke even as he pulls it deep inside himself. His mind wanders away with the smoke as he exhales again.

_It was unnaturally clear that night, and quiet. The grass was frosted with ice, and in the bright light of a perfectly halved moon, it shone and sparkled like broken glass. The stars were innumerable diamonds set against a black velvet sky._

_He noticed none of it._

_He stood in a courtyard, eyes closed, with his face turned toward the sky. Tears stung at his eyes, but he refused to let them fall. He knew the consequences for showing pain. He knew them all too well._

_He held a pair of small, fuzzy ears in his hands._

A sharp sound from the apartment breaks into his memories. He is once again standing outside his own door. His cigarette is all ash now. He flicks the butt over the edge of his stairs and passes a hand wearily over his face. He feels curiously light-headed, and he places a hand on the railing to steady himself.

"Soubi?"

He turns sharply, startled. Ritsuka is standing just inside his apartment, wearing pajamas and an adorably quizzical yet sleepy expression. Soubi breathes deeply and attempts to mentally steady himself. Ritsuka cocks his head to one side and looks Soubi over critically.

Inwardly, Soubi prays that Ritsuka will turn away, go back inside. He feels weak, and he doesn't want Ritsuka to see him this way. He doesn't want anyone to see him this way.

'_Go inside, Ritsuka. Please, just turn around and go inside,' _Soubi thinks.

"It's cold out here," Ritsuka says. "You should be wearing a coat or something."

Soubi smiles wanly. "I was having a cigarette, Ritsuka," Soubi says, implying that he hasn't been outside very long. It isn't the truth. He's been standing outside for nearly an hour and a half. But Soubi reasons that he isn't quite lying either, because he was indeed having a cigarette.

Ritsuka narrows his eyes slightly, but he doesn't accuse Soubi of lying. Instead, he says, "Well, you're done, right? So let's go back to sleep."

Soubi nods and follows Ritsuka inside. He pauses briefly to check on Zero, who are sleeping in the guest bedroom. Ever since their battle with the female Zero, after Youji was put in total restraint, Natsuo hadn't been sleeping well. Soubi has found that simply checking in on them during the night had beneficial effects on Natsuo, and surprisingly, it has beneficial effects on Soubi as well.

Natsuo and Youji are soundly asleep, nose to nose. Soubi watches them sleep for a moment before turning and walking to his own bedroom, where Ritsuka is waiting.

Briefly, Soubi wonders at the small miracle of Ritsuka actually spending the night at his house. Soubi hadn't asked Ritsuka how he gotten permission to stay over when the younger boy asked if he could. Soubi had simply opened his doors and asked Ritsuka what he'd like for dinner.

Zero had made a fuss, of course, but Soubi had been so delighted that he had paid them no mind. He had watched television with Ritsuka (and Zero) all night. It didn't seem particularly exciting, but Soubi had been happy to sit on the couch and snuggle a little with Ritsuka. It was enough.

Ritsuka had fallen asleep around eleven, which Soubi had expected. After all, Ritsuka was accustomed to being up very early in the morning for school, and it made sense that his bedtime was generally earlier than any bedtime Soubi observed.

Soubi had carried Ritsuka to his room, and the boy had woken and changed into pajamas. Soubi had very carefully not paid attention while Ritsuka was changing. He had lain in bed with Ritsuka and watched the boy sleep for nearly two hours before he decided that he wanted a cigarette.

Soubi looks down at Ritsuka now, sitting on his bed and yawning hugely. Soubi smiles at him and Ritsuka smiles back. Soubi sits on his bed and lies down, and Ritsuka lies down next to him. Soubi smiles again when Ritsuka gets bold and puts his head on Soubi's chest.

Soubi loops an arm around the curve of Ritsuka's back. His hand rests just above Ritsuka's hip. Soubi tries not to think about it. Ritsuka puts an arm over Soubi's stomach, and Soubi tries to not think about that, either.

Ritsuka is asleep in minutes. Soubi stares at his ceiling, thinking. He doesn't feel weak anymore. He doesn't feel sad. His change in mood surprises him, but he refuses to examine closely. He tightens his arms ever so slightly around Ritsuka, closes his eyes, and sleeps.


End file.
